Dear Gentle Soul

Start where you are…

April 13th, 2022

This was written in September of 2021:

In Genesis 1:1 the verse reads: “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth”. This verse is one that really struck a chord with me and made me look deep within myself both spiritually and philosophically. While yes, we know how we are made into human beings and we know physically where we come from, the question of who/what we are remains the same. Who are we on this vast grand earth that we live on? This is a question that haunts me, not necessarily in a bad way, but in the way of change. This is a question I asked myself three months ago while I was sitting in my room packing for one of the biggest moves of my life. Moving should be exciting and fun, so why was I sitting on my bed, filled with dread at the thought of leaving my family and friends behind? Why did my chest feel tight, and heart palpitate as I looked over my itinerary once more? If I am being honest, I wasn’t excited to move, in fact I was scared shitless. I’ve never lived on my own, sure I’ve been home alone but that is completely different than moving to a new province. I realized I needed to really sit with myself and find the root of my fear.

As I said goodbye on that rainy Tuesday morning to my dad and sisters, then my mom and one of my best friends, tears welled in my eyes, saying goodbye to my family and friends, knowing that while I may see them again, I am embarking on another chapter of my life. One that causes me to leave behind everyone I love and care for. Don’t get me wrong, in retrospect this is one of the best decisions I’ve made for myself in a solid two years, yet as I awaited to board the plane to Ontario to meet my new life, I felt like I was having an out of body experience. Like I was floating above my body, watching this young woman walk to the plane, awkwardly place her luggage overhead and sit at her seat waiting to fly. All the while making a TikTok’s about how excited she was. How then does this relate to the previous paragraph of questioning who you are? For me, it comes in the way that we deal and adapt to change. I really hold strong to my faith and trust in the universe that everything happens for a reason. Yes, even the obstacles that we may face. There is no such thing as a perfect, clean, happy go lucky life, and anyone who tries to portray it that way is either lying or is in denial. So, what then comes of the questioning of who we are? How do we deal with the changes that come and which lie ahead?

For me, I found that having my family around, keeping in contact with them (while setting boundaries) allowed me to make the transition a little smoother than I thought. However, I had days where I was extremely overwhelmed with anxiety and fear of being on my own, that voice inside my head told me on multiple occasion to just pack up and go home. I’d cry myself to sleep, feeling as though I was drowning in an endless sea of not being good enough, questioning why I came to this University in the first place. It wasn’t until about a month ago I had an epiphany, which changed the game and made me see things clearly.

The existential question of “who am I” “why am I here” “what is my purpose?”, I have found comes from being rooted in fear. From being told we aren’t good enough, aren’t smart enough, being questioned for our choices that we make. When we really sit with ourselves, and re-learn our likes, dislikes, hobbies etc., we make room for that fear to be removed from our lives. But it essentially starts with you having to sit down, look inward and ask the tough questions at hand. This ties into the way I look at spirituality and my faith to release that fear. It is no easy feat by any means to do the task at hand that requires energy when spoons are low. But start where you are. One step at a time, and if you find yourself low on energy, low on those spoons, re-start where you are again. Life isn’t a race. It’s a marathon. You only have this one life, so you must make the choice: are you going to stand by and watch life happen or are you going to make it happen?
Not Everyone is for You

March 13th, 2022

and You are not for Everyone…

(Processed with VSCO with fr4 preset)

The biggest lesson that I have learned throughout my lifetime is just as the title says: not everyone is for you, and you, are not going to be for everyone. Gone are the days of simply being children on the playground asking someone if they want to play. I was never that child. I was shy (still am to some degree), I had my friends and I stuck with them. As I got older, though, and when I met someone new, if things didn’t go so well, I would often ask myself: “why don’t they want to be my friend?” or, “why don’t they like me?”. The anxiety of it all would get to the point where I would find myself upset and angry, so much so that I would be in tears over it. It has only been within the past few years that I have gotten to a point where the title of this essay starts to make sense.

There is also something to be said about when a friendship doesn’t work anymore or turns toxic. Five years ago, I ended a five+ year friendship with a girl from my dance studio because it went from ghillies (Irish dance style of dance shoe) and laughter to toxicity in a heartbeat. I was always walking on eggshells around her, and I just found myself constantly anxious. Fast forward to now, I know that the decision I made was the right choice, even if I do still miss her. Even more recently, a friendship I had with a girl from my undergrad began to fade once I moved away for grad school. Of course, it hurts when you have to let people go who you’ve been friends with for so many years. It’s never easy. But it also helps you grow too, because in life, you’re going to be put with people and in situations with people where you will have a good connection for days, months or even years, but then the Universe, or God (whomever you believe in) will come, a feeling will emerge where the energy is just off and you will then be forced to let go of the situation and move on.

I’ve found personally, as hard as it is, that learning how to deal with people is more beneficial as we get older. There have been people I have met in my life to which I have gotten along great with, on the other hand, there have also been people I have met in my life to whom I did not like, nor did they like me. I cannot give you an explanation because I had no explanation. Nor do I think that this warrants one. There are times in life where you meet people and you do not vibe, which is perfectly okay. Because at the end of the day, you are going to find your tribe and learn who you do get along with. So, don’t let one measly moment in time render you to the point of you being frozen forever. Remember, you will find your tribe, and once you do, you will be so, as Jane Austen says, “incredibly, and incandescently happy.”
To The One Grieving in Your 20s…

February 22nd, 2022

I know right now you feel the wind knocked out of you, I know your eyes are puffy from crying the night before. I know it feels like your heart has dropped to your stomach. But how do you navigate this as a 20-something? That’s a thing about this whole “adulting” situation. There’s no rule book telling you how to grieve. Yes, there’s the five stages but even those are being disproved.

I am writing this because as a mid-20-something who recently grieved the death of my beloved great-grandmother, I (hopefully) might be of comfort. When my GG (that’s what I called her) passed away in October I was numb. I had been waiting for class and my mom called to tell me. I didn’t know what to do so I messaged my friend and immediately she helped me email professors and figure out how to get to the train to Ottawa. All the way there I listened to Scottish Bag Pipe music and wept. The minute I got off the train I went into my Nana’s arms and wept.

My GG’s apartment felt so empty without her there. I cried so hard that night that I woke up with puffy eyes. I ended up deferring my applications for scholarships, my grad school work/work was affected. While I managed to complete everything, it wasn’t my best, and you know what? That’s okay because going through something so heavy warrants processing and healing. But there’s some things I want to advise upon:

Firstly, don’t listen to the older family members who tell you to “move on with your life”, I heard this alot while initially grieving. It causes alot of frustration when you have people telling you how to grieve; better yet not to. To that I say ignore them. Your grief is valid. Your feelings are valid. You are allowed to grieve however you see fit. Whether you knew them your whole life or met them in passing, death is inevitable but the way you grieve death is valid.

Second: speak to someone professionally if you need to. The death of a loved one, especially one you were close to, is extremely difficult to move past. Speaking to someone, a therapist or grievance counsellor might really help you (or it might not – depending on how you see it).

Thirdly: if speaking to a professional isn’t your thing, talk with your loved ones, find support in your friends. Death and grief have a way of showing you whose truly there for you and whose not.

Fourthly: make time for self care! Exclamation point because it’s highly important. In my grieving I had a difficult time going to the gym, yoga or anything that I normally would do. I gained about 10 pounds from eating out because I had no energy to cook. Despite this, I found doing little things for myself like listening to my favourite music, going for a walk, or putting on a face mask and watching my favourite show made me feel a little better. Not a lot but a little. It doesn’t have to be big, but you also deserve to be cared for too.

Finally: Grief doesn’t go away. It’s always there. It’s a hole that never fully closes. I caught myself the other day being sad and missing my GG. In times when I get sad, I try to focus on the positive things that my loved one was. For my GG, oh she was an extraordinary woman for her age. She had the brightest smile, kindest blue eyes, and purest soul imaginable. Her thick Scottish accent was illuminated whenever she sang or laughed. I may not get to hold her hand, give her a wee kiss, or hug her in the physical, but I know she is smiling down upon all of us. I have a necklace with her ashes in it to commemorate her. I wear it everyday. I would encourage you, when you feel really sad, and you’re missing your loved one, remember the positive things about them. But also remember that it’s okay to be sad. You will get through this.

Remember that just because they’re gone physically, doesn’t mean they aren’t with you in spirit.
If Aphrodite can have rolls…

February 16th, 2022

Statue of Aphrodite source from: https://followinghadrian.com/2014/03/12/art-and-sculptures-from-hadrians-villa-marble-statue-of-a-crouching-venus/

There is something so inherently wrong with society that a young girl can look at herself and absolutely dislike what she sees in the mirror. For decades if you didn’t have the skinniest body, hourglass figure, size double 0 waist, big chest, you’re not what society deems “beautiful”. If you don’t fit into that double zero size Jean you’re considered “fat”. I dislike using that term so much because it’s triggering for a lot of people – I’m sorry if this is triggering but here me out: in today’s world that we live in (pandemic aside) we have models running the runway who are tall, lean, what society deems “normal”. I’ve seen (via social media) runways with ALL body shapes and sizes. That to me is more normal and encouraging than seeing the same size models (who yes are still told to lose weight and it’s toxic) walk a catwalk.

There’s this stigma – especially for young girls and teens – that you have to look a certain way, have your hair a certain way, dress in the latest fashion etc. I have always struggled with my body image. I haven’t always been kind to my body. In spring 2019-spring 2020 I changed my eating habits and began working out 4-5 times a week. I lost weight and was toned but mentally I was struggling. I was smaller than what my weight is now and when I look back on that young woman, she wasn’t happy. Yes, she appeared to be confident but so many people would say “you’re too small”.

Despite being what I thought was “toned”, I stopped working out once the pandemic happened. In May 2020 I was diagnosed with Mild depression which led me to obsessed about my weight even more though I was not motivated to do anything about it. Thankfully I have amazing friends and family who encouraged me to – in small steps – workout in how I enjoyed. Be that walking, yoga, Pilates, exercise classes etc. I joined a gym and my sisters, and I would go to classes together or I’d go by myself. It felt good. Once I moved for grad school this year, I realized I gained weight. I’ve gained about 20 lbs since I’ve lived on my own. I know that is part and parcel to me making “easy” meals but also depression sucks. Even on the days when I want to go to the gym or do a quick workout at home, I have zero motivation. It’s hard. My relationship with food and exercise hasn’t been the healthiest. I’m a very picky eater and I learned how to use the gym properly in September of 2021 as my Roommate showed me how. However, a dear friend once said to me that instead of focusing on the “good and bad foods”, she was just focusing on nourishing her body; that instead of going to the gym to lose weight, she was going to the gym to move her body or go for a walk. It gave me a very new perspective on how I look at myself. I have recently concluded – and not everyone has to agree with me – that if Aphrodite and Venus can have rolls then so can I.

If the Goddesses of love can have a belly than so can I because I know that God made me “fearfully and wonderfully” and even though it’s taken me a solid decade to figure it out, I’m finally at a place where I am actively trying to shift my mindset from “need to lose weight to be beautiful” to “embracing my body because I love me”. So, I guess all this to say that you don’t have to be a double 00 to be society’s standard of beautiful. I believe that we are pushing the boundaries of what society deems “beautiful” and moving away from the toxicity of it. Body’s come in all shapes and sizes, and they are all beautiful. Don’t let society’s toxicity have you looking at yourself saying “I wish I was more beautiful” when in fact, you already are. It’s society that’s ugly. If you can take one thing from this message let it be this: You are what the world needs in life. You’re doing the best you can in whatever season you’re in. You are beautiful, and you are strong. Don’t let society’s toxic standard diminish the beautiful person you are both inside and out.

Start where you are…

Not Everyone is for You

To The One Grieving in Your 20s…

If Aphrodite can have rolls…